Longmont’s 2026 Predictions: A Playful Look at Future Events

As the new year approaches, locals in Longmont, Colorado, are treated to a lighthearted glimpse into possible events that could unfold by 2026. These predictions, crafted by resident Kris Harris, are informed by a humorous yet methodical approach. They reflect a blend of community quirks and current socio-political themes, showcasing the town’s unique character.

Whimsical Protests and Environmental Shrines

One of the more amusing predictions involves a mix-up at the Boulder County Courthouse. A group of protesters, intending to rally against perceived injustices, accidentally stage a “No Vikings” protest instead of the intended “No Kings.” Armed with signs that read “Thor Had a Tiny Hammer” and “Greta Thunberg Disowns Her Heritage,” they quickly find themselves corrected by fellow demonstrators. This incident highlights the often humorous and unexpected nature of local activism.

In another prediction, a significant geological event occurs as a large piece of the Flatirons breaks off, rolling down to Chatauqua Park. This rock takes on a striking resemblance to former Vice President Al Gore, leading locals to create a shrine adorned with eco-friendly offerings, including biodegradable candles and kombucha cartons. This whimsical scenario underscores the community’s commitment to environmental sustainability, even in jest.

City Council and Public Transportation Innovations

In a satirical take on bureaucracy, the Longmont City Council is predicted to issue a proclamation mandating the replacement of traditional terms with more modern phrases. Words such as “Father” and “Mother” evolve into “Genetic Contributing Units and Overseers,” and “Illegal Immigrant” becomes “Border Averse Paperwork Non-Completist.” This playful commentary reflects ongoing discussions about language and inclusivity in governance.

The Regional Transportation District (RTD) is also in the spotlight. After experiencing disappointing ridership numbers, RTD reportedly invests $500,000 in an AI-driven study to boost interest in public transport. The study suggests practical measures, such as enhancing security on high-crime routes and privatizing certain services. However, in a twist of irony, the agency decides to attract attention by adorning buses and trains with mannequins styled as famous celebrities, humorously dubbed “Manny Quinns.” This initiative aims to spark curiosity and engagement from the community.

As Longmont continues to evolve, predictions about the future remain a blend of the serious and the absurd. Harris also forecasts an expansion of “therapy” options in Boulder, potentially including supervised psychedelic sessions involving substances like cannabis and peyote, once legalized. This prediction aligns with broader trends in mental health treatment and reflects a shift in societal attitudes toward alternative therapies.

Finally, a proposed compost facility location sparks controversy. Initially planned for the Distel-Tull Open Space, the city council opts for the Sugar Factory site instead, with a city spokesperson asserting that the new location has “passed the smell test.” This decision encapsulates the challenges of urban planning and environmental management in a growing community.

As residents prepare for the challenges and joys of 2026, Harris’ predictions serve as a reminder of the importance of humor and creativity in navigating the complexities of modern life. His observations highlight the interplay between community spirit, environmental awareness, and the sometimes absurd nature of local governance.

Kris Harris, a Longmont native and graduate of the University of Northern Colorado, emphasizes that sarcasm deserves a serious place in public discourse. His predictions invite readers to reflect on the lighter side of potential future developments, encouraging a sense of community amidst uncertainty.