Understanding the Rise of the ‘Performative Male’ in Dating Culture

In the evolving landscape of modern dating, a new term has emerged: the “performative male.” This concept describes men who present carefully curated personas, often embellished with traits like emotional intelligence and cultural awareness, in an effort to attract potential partners. As dating apps gain popularity, men have begun to strategically craft profiles that highlight desirable qualities, such as mentions of therapy, outdoor adventures, and family-friendly activities.

This approach has become a common tactic, as men aim to project themselves as the ideal partner, embodying the characteristics many women seek. According to Kyler Shumway, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Time for Therapy, the performative male is more about maintaining an image for approval rather than embracing authenticity. “It’s masculinity as performance; it’s an identity built for approval instead of authenticity,” he explains.

Anna Morgenstern, a New York-based matchmaker and dating expert, notes that while this strategy can initially attract attention, it ultimately leads to disconnection. “The goal of dating is to show off your authentic self—your interests, hobbies, and passions,” she says.

Tracing the Origins of Performative Masculinity

The idea of performing in dating is not entirely new. Many individuals have likely exaggerated their attributes or interests to appear more appealing. The term “performative male,” however, has gained traction recently, with Google searches spiking in July 2023, coinciding with its addition to Urban Dictionary. This trend has sparked competitions across the United States, where men humorously showcase their performative traits. For example, at a recent event in San Francisco, one contestant displayed a mandolin he had purchased but never learned to play, emphasizing the performative aspect of his dating persona.

As Halloween 2023 approaches, social media accounts are promoting the performative male as a costume idea, underscoring the cultural phenomenon. One post humorously describes the archetype as “definitely a Brooklyn-based creative slash DJ slash photographer.” This parody highlights how society is both critiquing and embracing the performative male aesthetic.

Despite the humorous undertones, embodying this persona is not merely a joke for many men; it often serves as a survival mechanism. Shumway points out that the narrow definitions of masculinity can pressure men to adopt performative behaviors. “At some point, acting confident or controlled helped him survive something hard and got him praise, attention, or safety,” he explains.

Understanding the Impact on Relationships

Recent data from Hinge reveals a significant increase in interest in emotional availability and effort in modern dating. A reported 217-percent spike in Google searches for the term “chalant” reflects a growing desire for effort in relationships. Additionally, a survey conducted by Hinge in August 2025 found that 72 percent of women prioritize effort over financial stability in a partner.

Despite this clear preference, men often misinterpret what women seek. They frequently assume that physical attractiveness and financial wealth are top priorities, while women express a desire for emotional availability and consistent communication. This disconnect leads many men to adopt one of two strategies: showcasing either their social status and physical prowess or presenting an emotionally vulnerable side, though often in a calculated manner.

The behaviors associated with the performative male can manifest in both subtle habits and overt personas. Shumway encourages individuals to examine their dating approaches critically. “If you read through this list and found yourself ticking a few boxes, it might be time to rethink your approach to dating,” he advises.

While adopting a performative persona may yield short-term success in attracting matches, the long-term consequences can be detrimental. Shumway asserts that sustainability is a key issue, stating, “You can’t change or grow when you’re always trying to look strong.”

Moreover, performative masculinity can hinder genuine connection, ultimately leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled. Women, already skeptical of dating apps, may struggle to trust the authenticity of their matches. “After a string of disappointing matches, it’s easy to start doubting yourself,” Morgenstern adds.

For the performative male, the pressure to maintain an image can lead to self-doubt, complicating relationships further. Shumway explains that while men may believe their authentic selves aren’t “enough,” this belief can ultimately create distance in relationships.

Pathways to Authenticity

Transforming from a performative male into an authentic individual is achievable but requires self-reflection and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. Shumway suggests individuals consider moments when they are performing and question their motivations. “Who are you trying to impress? What would happen if you stopped?”

Therapy can provide valuable support, allowing men to explore the roots of their performative behaviors. However, building honest friendships where vulnerability is valued can also foster growth. Vulnerability, Shumway emphasizes, does not always mean sharing deep fears but can involve expressing simple preferences or opinions.

Creating safe environments for authentic expression is crucial. Group therapy, for instance, can serve as an ideal space for men to practice vulnerability without the pressure of maintaining a facade. “The more you practice being real with safe people, the easier it becomes everywhere else,” Shumway notes.

Recognizing that authenticity is a skill that strengthens with practice can empower men to break free from the constraints of performative masculinity. With increased self-awareness and a commitment to genuine connections, individuals can foster healthier relationships that prioritize authenticity over mere image.