New Mother Shares Journey Through Postpartum Depression

After giving birth to twins, Ivana Poku faced a harrowing battle with postpartum depression, grappling with intrusive thoughts that made her fear for her children’s safety. Now, she is dedicated to helping other mothers understand that they are not alone in their struggles.

When her twins were just a few months old, Poku, a maternal mental health advocate residing in Scotland, experienced a moment that would change her life. One afternoon, alone in her home, she felt a sudden shift inside her. “It was like something possessed my brain and my body,” she revealed. “I felt this strong urge to hurt him.” Recognizing the danger, she quickly secured her baby in a chair, locked herself in her bedroom, and confronted the terrifying realization that something was deeply wrong.

Poku, who was 32 at the time, later reflected that her mental health had been deteriorating since the birth of her twins. Although she was never formally diagnosed with postpartum depression, she now believes her symptoms may have even bordered on postpartum psychosis. Instead of the expected rush of love, she felt numbness and overwhelming guilt.

Dr. Shahrzad Jalali, a clinical psychologist and trauma expert, elaborates on the prevalence of such experiences. “About 70 to 80 percent of new mothers experience what we call the ‘baby blues’ in the first few days after giving birth,” she explained. “When these symptoms last longer or interfere with daily functioning, we start to look at what we call postnatal depression, which affects roughly one in seven people worldwide.”

Poku’s feelings of unhappiness led her to believe she was a terrible mother. “I thought that made me a horrible mother,” she said. She felt disconnected from her new life, missing her old routine and growing increasingly critical of herself. “The silence was the killer,” she stated. “I was pretending to be okay, but inside I was breaking.”

During this period, Poku often found herself contemplating dark thoughts. She recalled watching her babies sleep and imagining what it would be like if they never woke up. “I’d think, ‘If they died, that would be amazing,’” she admitted. With her family having recently relocated, she found herself isolated, lacking nearby friends or relatives to support her. “Most of the time it was just me,” she said, emphasizing the impact of her solitude.

As her condition worsened, she felt increasingly ashamed of her feelings, believing that she was failing as a mother while others enjoyed their new roles. Although she received informational leaflets and support hotline numbers, reaching out for help felt insurmountable. “When you’re in that state, it’s the last thing you can do,” she explained.

A turning point came when a friend visited unexpectedly and found her in a vulnerable state. “There was no way I could hide it,” Poku recalled. She opened up about her struggles, and her friend’s non-judgmental response was liberating. Poku’s husband also played a crucial role in her recovery, reminding her that it was normal to struggle as a parent. “When I gave myself some compassion, everything started to change,” she said.

Transforming Pain into Advocacy

Poku’s journey did not end with her recovery; it ignited a mission to support other mothers. She began sharing her experiences and quickly discovered that many women, even those appearing to have everything together, were silently suffering. “I realized it wasn’t just me,” she noted. “And I knew it was my duty to make a difference for future moms.”

To spread awareness, Poku launched Mum’s Journey, a blog dedicated to discussing the realities of motherhood and postpartum mental health. She later published a book titled Motherhood: The Unspoken, which compiles stories from mothers around the world, providing what she describes as “a comfort hug in book form.” In addition, she offers a course aimed at preparing expecting mothers for the emotional challenges of new motherhood, emphasizing that knowledge can prevent isolation and despair.

“If I had known those feelings were normal,” she reflected, “I wouldn’t have struggled in silence. Proper education is essential.” This sentiment is echoed by Dr. Jalali, who stresses the importance of support networks. “Postnatal depression is a very treatable condition,” she stated. “If a mother notices persistent sadness, loss of pleasure, feelings of guilt, or intrusive thoughts, she should reach out to a healthcare provider.”

Today, Ivana Poku is a mother of three and a well-respected maternal mental health advocate, mentor, and writer. Her lived experience has positioned her as a trusted voice within the maternal wellness community, offering support to women who resonate with her story. “Many mothers have told me I helped them more than a psychologist,” she reflected. “Maybe because I’ve been there.”

Poku’s advocacy continues to challenge the stigma surrounding postpartum mental illness, highlighting the importance of compassion and understanding in the journey of motherhood.